You know that hole Drea talked about last week? The one where everything sucks and nothing’s going right and all your feelings are negative and so noisy and you don’t want to leave your apartment or even your bed and you especially don’t want to put on pants?
Well, I fell into it. I’m pretty much curled up at the bottom of it, actually. Not wearing pants.
I’ve been teetering on the edge of it since my most recent job loss, but then I went on an amazing vacation and still came back to … well, more “vacation” … and pretty much tripped from JFK directly into that black hole of misery and self-pity.
God, is there anything worse than feeling sorry for yourself? I’ve been having this pity party all week and it’s so miserable no one else has even shown up. Which obviously makes me feel even sorrier for myself. (I did not realize sorrier was going to be a real word. Huh.)
Anyway, all the negative feelings are pretty much clouding my entire being. And it’s so hypocritical, too, since I just gave Adam a huge pep talk on how complaining too much is detrimental to your sanity and how if you start speaking positive things, your mind will eventually catch on and start believing what you’re saying.
Hi, my name’s Sara and I like to give smart advice and then ignore it completely for myself.
Some of my negative feelings include frustration, sadness, anger, anxiety, and helplessness. None of those are fun and they all feed into each other and create this vicious negativity cycle so that my black hole of misery is also a tornado.
This tornado-black-hole-of-misery is also making it really hard for me to interact with other people. I’ve never had anxiety about leaving my apartment, but this week every time I step outside my door I want to run back into my room and close the curtains. All I want to do is sit on my bed, wallow in sadness, not speak to anyone, and never put on pants again.
But here’s where I know I’m actually really lucky. No one’s coming to my pity party because they all know better. My friends love me so much, they’d never dream of feeling sorry for me. They believe I can do anything, that I will be great at anything, that I can pull myself out of the hole as soon as I’m ready to see sunlight again. I’m so, so lucky to have these people in my life who refuse to RSVP “Yeah, I’ll totally come wallow in your misery and help you feel bad about yourself.”
Instead, they say, “You will be great. You ARE great. And you are doing amazing things.”
Now, if only this negative-feelings-tornado would move on so I could start the climb up this dirty wall of misery.